Loved

I can’t even tell you how loved I feel. Thank you all for your sweet words and prayers on our behalf. I’ve received more calls, emails, texts and chats and each one is like a little answer to a prayer. So thank you, thank you, to each and every one of my amazing friends, real life and internet! :) I know I’m not the first one to go through this, and while I would never wish it on anyone, having friends who know how it feels helps tremendously. Like I’m not alone. And never have I felt alone, not one minute. Everyday gets a little bit easier, and I think I’m past the worst, at least I hope! I did decide to wait and things started happening on their own Friday. But still today, nothing significant has passed, so I decided to use medication to aid things. Mostly because I don’t want to be enjoying my turkey and cranberry sauce while nature decides it wants to start kicking in! So I’m hoping between now and Wednesday we’ll be mostly over and done with it.

I was thinking how much has changed in just 10 years—the things we count on our friends for. It used to be dating and breakups. Then engagements and weddings. Now, it’s evolved into marriages, childbirth, child rearing, and the occasional loss and heartbreak. Especially since we’ve moved here, I’ve had stellar friends on which to lean on through each of these stages. I can only hope that I’ve helped them as much as they’ve helped me!

I’m so pumped for Thanksgiving! I love everything about it—the food, the friends/family, browsing through Black Friday ads, and just the overall feeling of gratefulness and thanksgiving. A perfect day. I hope everyone has a great day, and eats plenty enough for the both of us!

Heartbroken and terrified

I was looking forward to this week. Derrick’s birthday on Monday, and then one of Imy BFF’s Sara flying in from Omaha on Tuesday (round trip ticket=$31!! AFTER TAXES!!) to spend the week with us. Sara and I had a great time, as we always do, but this week did not pan out like I had envisioned.

Tuesday I found out that that our sweet, new, happily anticipated baby #3 had no heartbeat. I was supposed to be 11 weeks but the baby was only measuring 9. After this appointment I was going to go public with our news. After this appointment I had different news to share.

This pregnancy had been so different than my last two. I had been feeling great. Too great. I knew something had to be wrong. With the girls I was sick most of the first trimester. I really had only felt sick one day this time. So as I headed into the doctor’s on Tuesday I was already telling myself, and the nurse, that I thought something was wrong. A failed doppler and ultrasound confirmed it. Even though I had a feeling it would turn out that way, it didn’t lessen the pain as I laid there on the table, silently sobbing, listening to my doctor go through my options.

I had so many thoughts running through my mind. We weren’t expressing enough gratitude for this baby. I was too impatient as a mother and it changed it’s mind. It’s nature’s way of solving problems. 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. There’s nothing I could have done. I could have done more. My thoughts didn’t know where to land.

Luckily I was distracted enough with Sara to not really think about it, although we did some. But she left this morning and now I’m faced with what I’m going to do now. Wait it out and let nature take its course or induce or have surgery. I have always been one to let things happen naturally, but part of me wants it to be over and done with, and the thought of it still in my body kind of bothers me. But then I think I don’t want to let it go. And I’m terrified of the emotions that will resurface when whatever happens does happen.

One of the many things I have learned this week, besides how delicate life is, how families are indeed eternal, and how prayer does wonders for calming the spirit, is what an amazing network of love and support I have. I can’t even type this without crying, knowing I have some of the more sincere, genuine, and compassionate friends and family I could ever ask for. Immediately after sending word to my closest friends I was bombarded with calls and messages of love and concern. I know I couldn’t do this without them. And especially my sweet husband who lets me cry on his shoulder and doesn’t get mad even at 1:00 am when I break down in bed.

I know I have much to be grateful for still—my two beautiful daughters who are healthy and thriving. I know this is just a small hurdle in the grand scheme of things. And I know we still have much in store for us. I just need to have faith that this is all part of God’s plan for me and our family.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all who have called, texted, hugged, and loved me this week. It means more to me than you will ever know.

15 months!

Our little Hannah turned 15 months today! She decided she wanted to get the party started early by waking up at 4:45. Let’s just say after our day yesterday, this wake up time did not go over well with mama. Thankfully Dad stepped up and whisked her away and let me sleep. Bless that man.

She had her check up today, too, and came out with a clean bill of health. She weighs in at 18 lb 6 oz (2nd percentile) and is 29.25” long (17th percentile). She’s a petite little thing, but don’t let those numbers fool you—she’s got plenty of rolls on her tiny body.

She learned how to crawl in the past month or so and now can pull herself up and cruise along the furniture. She can walk with assistance and I’m pretty sure she’ll be walking alone pretty soon. Summer started walking around this age, too.

She can say “hi”, “mama”, and tries to say “cheese” and “ball”. She knows signs for “milk”, “more”, and “please”. Those are really the only signs I teach because I’d rather have my kids talk than sign. She knows where her nose is.  She loves bath time. Their favorite is when I close the shower curtains and let them just splash and splash and splash. They crack themselves up and I love hearing them giggle hysterically.

Hannah is my sweet, snuggly girl, but living with an older sister has forced her to toughen up her image. She will very loudly know that she is unhappy that you stole her toy and she’s been known to take a swipe or two at her sister. But overall she is a very happy kid and a fabulous addition to our family. We love you, Hannah!!

A long day

Beware: random rambling and disconnected thoughts and rants ahead.

I don’t think (at least I hope) that I’ve ever tried to portray my life through this blog as perfect. One thing I can’t stand is reading blogs about their perfect family with their perfectly behaved kids and their perfectly romantic and helpful husbands living in their perfectly kept homes. You’re not fooling anyone!! Stop pretending! Sure maybe people only like to read about the happy-go-lucky things that happen but when I read about people’s trials and their true thoughts I feel like I get to know them a little better…and appreciate them more as a person. Today was not a perfect day, and while nothing horribly tragic happened, I still feel like utter crap.

I have never been a morning person. Like, never. When I started going to seminary in high school it was so hard for me to wake up in time and get ready to go. My dad told me when I was a Freshman that by the time I was a Senior my body would be so accustomed to waking up at 5:30 that I wouldn’t even need an alarm clock anymore. Joke’s on you, Dad! That never happened. Nor did I think it would.

I hate waking up in the morning. I’m a lot better than I used to be (working day shift as an RN with a 7am start at a hospital 30 minutes away will help) but it used to take me a good 30 minutes before I would even talk in the morning. I am definitely a night owl.

I am no good without sleep. I lack patience to begin with, and couple that with exhaustion and forget it. Even worse: my children are no good without sleep, though they may try to prove otherwise.

Setting our clocks back this week has killed me. My kids (and I) live and breath by nap and bedtimes. If you screw anything up, we are all screwed up. They have been waking up well before 6 since the change and I am losing it. Today Summer was up at 5am and would not go back to sleep. Hence, I’ve been up since 5am. I am a wreck. Add to that it was raining and snowing all day today and this was pretty much the crappiest day ever.

I tried to salvage it by making play dough with Summer. It was a disaster. Too sticky.

I yelled too many times to count.

I hate the days I spend longing for the kids’ bedtimes. I want to enjoy my days with them. But sometimes I just want the backtalk to end, the kitchen to stay clean, the kids to play nicely together. I’m so sick of cleaning up the same messes over and over again.

I know my story is no different than any other mother out there. But maybe if I voice my gripes and someone else can related and know they’re not alone, well then maybe I helped? I’m far from a perfect mother, and on days like today wonder if I’m even meant to be one. I keep reminding myself that there are other children waiting to come to our family and watching us now, and I don’t want them to be scared to join us! I want them to be so excited they can hardly stand it.

I really think I just need some sleep. Is that so much to ask???

Potty Party!

I feel like we’ve finally jumped the last hurdle in potty training Summer: pooping in the toilet. She consistently will go when she needs to in the toilet, and half the time I have no idea she went until she’s yelling for me to come wipe her. Hallelujah. I was sick of changing poopy pull-ups. She’s known her prize for going poop in the potty was a trip to Build-a-Bear and she was so excited to finally go. I’ll admit…I was too!

It really was fun. They make your kid feel so special and excited and include them in every step. The whole time I was practically dying of cuteness.

She picked out a white bear with multi-colored hearts all over it. She named her Pixie, although I’m preeeety sure she was trying to say “sexy” (have no idea where she would have learned that word…seriously). We helped her change it to Pixie though. This may cause confusion however, since our Elf on the Shelf is also named Pixie. Hmmm….

Anyway, I’m sure you all know the process: stuff the bear, kiss the heart and give it a wish and put it in the bear, sew it up, give it a bath, buy expensive clothes for it. She loved every minute of it.

We are so proud of her!! She was a complete stinker about it for so long. So stubborn. But we always knew she could do it and she finally did! Goodbye diapers, hello cute undies!

 

And just for fun, Hannah thoroughly enjoying her ravioli. Maybe ravioli sauce is really a great conditioner, and only she knows the secret?

Halloween

We had a lot of fun this Halloween. The Friday before we went to Derrick’s work party. There were a lot of awesome costumes there…a giant cupcake, Bert and Ernie, Jelly Bellies, and we went as boobs!! It was really funny. And to prove that they’re indeed not gay, Bert motorboated us.

Saturday we went trick-or-treating at the zoo. We’d never done that before, and you definitely don’t go for the candy because you only get like 5 little pieces, but it was still fun and I always like to see kids in their costumes.  My favorite had to be a little 3 or 4 year old black kid dressed up as DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba. Awesome. Hannah was dressed as a chicken since her banana costume wasn’t really stroller friendly, being legless and all.

Monday night we took the girls trick-or-treating up and down our street. Summer loved it…free candy?? And all I have to do is say “trick-or-treat?” She was in heaven. I love my little fruits! Hannah Banana and Summer Strawberry!

We had our traditional stew in a pumpkin for dinner and I passed out caramel apples we made to our neighbors. I wish I had taken a picture of them…they were really cool. And I even ordered custom Halloween ribbon with our name on them. Take my word for it, they were sweet.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween. And so begins the faster than a speeding bullet holidays!