Wednesday, August 23, 2006


This post will be about pooping. So if you are easily grossed out, I suggest you stop reading now. Not that I will be overly graphic, but I know some people get squeamish at the word "bathroom", fair warning.

First, some history.

When I was 17 and in high school, the summer before my Senior year, I started to get really sick. Not really chronic, but more sporadic chest pains. I'd never had anything like that before. After many sleepless nights due to chest pain, I finally went in to see a doctor. They did bloodwork but that didn't reveal anything. They finally resorted to an ultrasound and do you know what they found?? A baby. Just kidding!! They found gallstones. Yes, me, a 17-year-old girl had gallstones. Bizarre. My doc told me I was the youngest patient he'd ever seen with them. They weren't huge, they were itty bitty, which are the worst kind b/c they get stuck right in your bile duct and cause mucho pain. Well, I had laproscopic surgery to remove my gallbladder (Nov. 2, 1998). After a month or so of recovery I started to realize something was different. I was pooping a lot. And they weren't always just "normal" poops, if you know what I mean. Well, it hasn't stopped.

Fast forward to today. Last year or so I went to the doctor b/c my overactive colon was especially overactive. More bloodwork confirmed that I did not have celiac's disease (although I'd really like a retest...with a biopsy, which is the only sure way to diagnose). I was put on this medication used to lower cholesterol by absorbing bile salts. Which makes sense logically since my bile has no where to go anymore. It just shoots straight to my intestines and super-digests my food. Well, the stuff is gross, it's an orange-flavored powder you mix into your drink, so I don't really take it that often. I know, I should, but I don't.

(There really is a point to all this)

I usually go at lunchtime, for whatever reason. And I'm usually at school or work. In a public bathroom. I really hope I'm not the only one out there like this, but I have a hard time pooping if someone else is in the bathroom. I try to be as quiet as I can, as if pooping is somehow shameful or unnatural, when in fact, it's the complete opposite of that. I think that if our poop smelled like cotton candy it wouldn't be held in such disgust. But anyway. I bring this all up b/c today I was in the bathroom doing my business, quietly of course, when a lady walks into the stall next to me, sits down, pees, and then proceed to swiftly and succinctly drop 4 individual splasher poops. It was loud. Then she wiped (only once...lucky girl), pretended to wash her hands (I wish I could have seen who it was so I could know to NEVER EVER shake her hand), and was outta there, in seriously 1 minute. It was the fastest trip ever. But here's my question. Am I abnormal for being embarrassed to poop in a public bathroom when others are present? Splasher Poop lady just did her business like it was a matter-of-fact thing. I wish I could do that. Thing is, I know when I hear someone else splashing and squirting in the next stall, I'm all like "Ew! Gross!" and at the same time laughing, like a freaking 5-year-old!!

When I was in college I went to the bathroom during work. I did the usual feet check and got down to business. I had just eaten lunch and I was feeling especially sick. Rumbly, if you will. Well, I pooped, without inhibitions. I think I even sighed after I was done. I went to grab the TP, and what what what??? I hear the TP rolling in the stall RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!! I froze!!! I almost died!! Of course, I had to stay in my stall until the girl washed her hands, combed her hair, retouched her makeup, and do whatever else she was doing. I'm sure she was just stalling to see who it was that was fighting a battle right next to her. I wanted to flush myself right down with my poop.

Anyway, I'd really like to be able to just poop and be done with it, no matter where I am or who I'm with. My friends know about it, but I still don't want to poop if they're in the bathroom with me. That's just gross!! Oh, and it's not just a one-time deal. I usually have to go once more, about 5-10 minutes after. And then I'm fine. So really, I need suggestions on how to poop!! Without being embarrassed!!! Help!! I really do freak out about it, and I have to make sure I know where the bathroom is everywhere I go. B/c once nature knocks, there's no ignoring her.

And one more thing: Since I've been wearing skirts more lately, what's the proper thing to do when using the bathroom? I hike the skirt up around my waist, but then I'm so paranoid about it touching the back park or the flusher or whatever. But if I pulled it down, it would lay on the ground, and that's just nasty. I don't think i was ever taught the right way to do this, if there is a right way. Any opinions?

For serious, I need help. Leave an anonymous comment if you don't want people to know that you poop, too. Hopefully I didn't leave you with mental images of me on the can. Ha! Too late!


Anonymous said...

I like to try and spread'em between the sides of the bowl and let it flow... only downside is that in place of a loud boom, the tension creates more of a squeak. Pick your poison.

Samantha said...

I don't know what anonymous over there just said. I don't get it.

If you are wearing a skirt, I think hike it up. Being on the floor is gross and if you hike it up and pull it all around to the front, it's OK.

I feel the same way as you about pooping in public bathrooms. If you feel that way there is no getting around it. Just hide it. Here they have some toilets with a flushing sound button, so you can make a fake flushing sound to camoflage your noisy business. Awesome, huh? So just flush the toilet a lot, make lots of noise, I don't know. People do it all the time, we all know it.