Friday, November 18, 2011

Heartbroken and terrified

I was looking forward to this week. Derrick’s birthday on Monday, and then one of Imy BFF’s Sara flying in from Omaha on Tuesday (round trip ticket=$31!! AFTER TAXES!!) to spend the week with us. Sara and I had a great time, as we always do, but this week did not pan out like I had envisioned.

Tuesday I found out that that our sweet, new, happily anticipated baby #3 had no heartbeat. I was supposed to be 11 weeks but the baby was only measuring 9. After this appointment I was going to go public with our news. After this appointment I had different news to share.

This pregnancy had been so different than my last two. I had been feeling great. Too great. I knew something had to be wrong. With the girls I was sick most of the first trimester. I really had only felt sick one day this time. So as I headed into the doctor’s on Tuesday I was already telling myself, and the nurse, that I thought something was wrong. A failed doppler and ultrasound confirmed it. Even though I had a feeling it would turn out that way, it didn’t lessen the pain as I laid there on the table, silently sobbing, listening to my doctor go through my options.

I had so many thoughts running through my mind. We weren’t expressing enough gratitude for this baby. I was too impatient as a mother and it changed it’s mind. It’s nature’s way of solving problems. 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. There’s nothing I could have done. I could have done more. My thoughts didn’t know where to land.

Luckily I was distracted enough with Sara to not really think about it, although we did some. But she left this morning and now I’m faced with what I’m going to do now. Wait it out and let nature take its course or induce or have surgery. I have always been one to let things happen naturally, but part of me wants it to be over and done with, and the thought of it still in my body kind of bothers me. But then I think I don’t want to let it go. And I’m terrified of the emotions that will resurface when whatever happens does happen.

One of the many things I have learned this week, besides how delicate life is, how families are indeed eternal, and how prayer does wonders for calming the spirit, is what an amazing network of love and support I have. I can’t even type this without crying, knowing I have some of the more sincere, genuine, and compassionate friends and family I could ever ask for. Immediately after sending word to my closest friends I was bombarded with calls and messages of love and concern. I know I couldn’t do this without them. And especially my sweet husband who lets me cry on his shoulder and doesn’t get mad even at 1:00 am when I break down in bed.

I know I have much to be grateful for still—my two beautiful daughters who are healthy and thriving. I know this is just a small hurdle in the grand scheme of things. And I know we still have much in store for us. I just need to have faith that this is all part of God’s plan for me and our family.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all who have called, texted, hugged, and loved me this week. It means more to me than you will ever know.

26 comments:

vanessa said...

Oh Karen! I am so sorry! My prayers are with you and I know you will pull through. Let me know if you need anything!

Abby said...

I had a feeling when I saw your status on FB. I am so sorry, Karen. I am glad Sara was able to be there with you and help you. Your strength and faith in God is inspiring. Hugs to you and Derek!

Caitlin said...

Oh Karen, I'm so sorry. Love, prayers and hugs from the Reids.

Leslie said...

Karen, I am so sorry to hear this. Go easy on yourself, this is not your fault. Things happen. But it is totally okay to be sad about it and to mourn the loss. I'm so sorry.

Also, feel free to take or leave this advice, but if it were me, I'd avoid the D&C. Ask your doctor to prescribe a narcotic for the pain and cramping and then just take it easy while your body takes care of it. Ultimately though, this decision is yours and you will be inspired to do what is best for you and your body.

Take care. I'm sending love and well wishes your way.

Amy North said...

Karen, I'm so sorry, sweetheart. :( I know how hard it is to be so excited about a pregnancy only to have it end much sooner than anticipated. I know it hurts, but it WILL get better. One day at a time, right? I hope your body can recover on it's own. I'm thinking of you and praying for you and Derrick and the girls! love ya!

AnnP said...

Karen, I am so sorry. You know that we went through this a few years ago and I know how much this hurts. I don't really have anything to say that will help you feel better, but I do love you and am thinking of you. If you need to talk you can give me a call any time. Since Jimmie is deployed I really do mean any time.

Becky said...

Karen, I'm so sorry. Whatever you decide will be right. Let me know if I can help with your girls or anything!! Love you tons!

Sam and Brent said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I still sometimes wonder what our baby would be like if I hadn't miscarried. But then we wouldn't have the boys we do now. I will keep you in my prayers. Again, I'm so sorry.

Andrea Wilson said...

Karen-

I've been following your blog for a few years now, and have never commented. I'm a mom in Ohio (found you through Shannon Dickman awhile back). Just wanted to let you know although we've never met, I'm sending prayers and love your way.

Andrea

Katie said...

This breaks my heart because I know you are an awesome mom. So sorry. Love from the Peterson's.

Melissa said...

So sorry to hear this Karen. I agree with everyone's comments- your strength and faith in God is inspiring and I know you will pull through. Sorry I'm not there to offer physical support but know that I am only a phone call away if you need emotional support. You are amazing. Love ya!

Lindsey said...

Karen, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. We love you guys and you'll be in our prayers!

Lee Anne said...

Karen, I'm so sorry. Prayers for you guys that God will give you the knowledge and guidance that will bring peace to your heart. That baby is love, he/she just needed to stay with God right now. The love of that baby will be with you forever.
Take good care.
Lee Anne

Julia Wade said...

oh karen, i am so sorry to read your news. lots of prayers and thoughts coming your way from the wades.

Jessica said...

K, I've cried this week hearing your news and thinking about it when we have family prayer, now again as i read this and see your pain. I wish no one had to go through this kind of hurt, but I know you are a strong woman, amazing wife, wonderful mother and the truest of a friend...lots of love and prayers you and Derrick, and the girls.

Sarah said...

Karen I am so sorry you are going through this right now. My heart just breaks for you and know that you and your sweet little fam are in our thoughts and prayers. I know how you are feeling and just know to never feel guilty when it comes to your feelings and emotions throughout this time.

Samantha said...

Karen I am so, so sorry. I can imagine how hard this must be. I know there are so, so many women who have gone through it so I hope you have been able to talk to them and feel some comfort. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say but I'm thinking about you. You are a wonderful, wonderful mother.

Ligia said...

Karen, I'm do sorry to hear of your loss. We lost a baby before Oliver and I remember very well having the same thoughts and feelings you are having. You are not alone and remember that there really is no right or wrong choice. You need to do what is best for YOU. I chose to get the surgery and am happy to share with you my experience if you ever feel the need. Thinking of you and your family.

Miranda said...

Karen, I'm very sorry to hear your news. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through that. We will have you and your family in our prayers. Know that we love you.

Ruth said...

Karen, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Our prayers are with you guys!

Yours, Mine, &, Crazy Daisy said...

I wanted to give you a big hug at church today but
felt like it would just make you more upset. I'm amazed @ your strength. Nick said HE would have stayed home if he had a hang nail, but YOU? YOU show up! You are an amazing woman! We love you and are praying for you to have continued strength, comfort, and peace.

Mrs. Twintrepid said...

Karen, I'm so sad to hear of your loss. This same thing has happened twice to me, and it just feels like the world is caving in when the doctor starts on your 'options.' So sorry that this has been part of your life experience. As everyone says when sad things happen, life will get better again. The last time, I chose not to have surgery, and while is prolonged the emotional pain, my body seemed to heal faster, and I became pregnant with my girls only a few months later. Being honest about feelings helps so much in coping, and you'd got that down pat. Thank you for sharing your struggles, as it helps others feel more connected. Best wishes :)

Cynthia said...

Peter just told me the news. I'm so sorry for your loss, and all your heartache! My heart and prayers go out to you and Derek and your girls.

Abraham + Marci said...

Karen I'm so sorry for you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I love reading about your family and what a great mom you are.

lanni said...

wow karen -- i haven't checked your blog for a few weeks; i had no idea. i'm so sorry to hear about this! i always love reading your blog and catching up on your family and feel terrible that this has happened. love you girl!

Shannon said...

Karen - oh, I am so very sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I am sure that was so incredibly difficult to deal with. You are an amazing woman and mother - I'm sure that whatever the reason this precious life ended had nothing to do with your lacking in anything. Lots of loves from far away!
love,
Shannon