Heartbroken and terrified

I was looking forward to this week. Derrick’s birthday on Monday, and then one of Imy BFF’s Sara flying in from Omaha on Tuesday (round trip ticket=$31!! AFTER TAXES!!) to spend the week with us. Sara and I had a great time, as we always do, but this week did not pan out like I had envisioned.

Tuesday I found out that that our sweet, new, happily anticipated baby #3 had no heartbeat. I was supposed to be 11 weeks but the baby was only measuring 9. After this appointment I was going to go public with our news. After this appointment I had different news to share.

This pregnancy had been so different than my last two. I had been feeling great. Too great. I knew something had to be wrong. With the girls I was sick most of the first trimester. I really had only felt sick one day this time. So as I headed into the doctor’s on Tuesday I was already telling myself, and the nurse, that I thought something was wrong. A failed doppler and ultrasound confirmed it. Even though I had a feeling it would turn out that way, it didn’t lessen the pain as I laid there on the table, silently sobbing, listening to my doctor go through my options.

I had so many thoughts running through my mind. We weren’t expressing enough gratitude for this baby. I was too impatient as a mother and it changed it’s mind. It’s nature’s way of solving problems. 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. There’s nothing I could have done. I could have done more. My thoughts didn’t know where to land.

Luckily I was distracted enough with Sara to not really think about it, although we did some. But she left this morning and now I’m faced with what I’m going to do now. Wait it out and let nature take its course or induce or have surgery. I have always been one to let things happen naturally, but part of me wants it to be over and done with, and the thought of it still in my body kind of bothers me. But then I think I don’t want to let it go. And I’m terrified of the emotions that will resurface when whatever happens does happen.

One of the many things I have learned this week, besides how delicate life is, how families are indeed eternal, and how prayer does wonders for calming the spirit, is what an amazing network of love and support I have. I can’t even type this without crying, knowing I have some of the more sincere, genuine, and compassionate friends and family I could ever ask for. Immediately after sending word to my closest friends I was bombarded with calls and messages of love and concern. I know I couldn’t do this without them. And especially my sweet husband who lets me cry on his shoulder and doesn’t get mad even at 1:00 am when I break down in bed.

I know I have much to be grateful for still—my two beautiful daughters who are healthy and thriving. I know this is just a small hurdle in the grand scheme of things. And I know we still have much in store for us. I just need to have faith that this is all part of God’s plan for me and our family.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all who have called, texted, hugged, and loved me this week. It means more to me than you will ever know.