Wednesday, November 09, 2011

A long day

Beware: random rambling and disconnected thoughts and rants ahead.

I don’t think (at least I hope) that I’ve ever tried to portray my life through this blog as perfect. One thing I can’t stand is reading blogs about their perfect family with their perfectly behaved kids and their perfectly romantic and helpful husbands living in their perfectly kept homes. You’re not fooling anyone!! Stop pretending! Sure maybe people only like to read about the happy-go-lucky things that happen but when I read about people’s trials and their true thoughts I feel like I get to know them a little better…and appreciate them more as a person. Today was not a perfect day, and while nothing horribly tragic happened, I still feel like utter crap.

I have never been a morning person. Like, never. When I started going to seminary in high school it was so hard for me to wake up in time and get ready to go. My dad told me when I was a Freshman that by the time I was a Senior my body would be so accustomed to waking up at 5:30 that I wouldn’t even need an alarm clock anymore. Joke’s on you, Dad! That never happened. Nor did I think it would.

I hate waking up in the morning. I’m a lot better than I used to be (working day shift as an RN with a 7am start at a hospital 30 minutes away will help) but it used to take me a good 30 minutes before I would even talk in the morning. I am definitely a night owl.

I am no good without sleep. I lack patience to begin with, and couple that with exhaustion and forget it. Even worse: my children are no good without sleep, though they may try to prove otherwise.

Setting our clocks back this week has killed me. My kids (and I) live and breath by nap and bedtimes. If you screw anything up, we are all screwed up. They have been waking up well before 6 since the change and I am losing it. Today Summer was up at 5am and would not go back to sleep. Hence, I’ve been up since 5am. I am a wreck. Add to that it was raining and snowing all day today and this was pretty much the crappiest day ever.

I tried to salvage it by making play dough with Summer. It was a disaster. Too sticky.

I yelled too many times to count.

I hate the days I spend longing for the kids’ bedtimes. I want to enjoy my days with them. But sometimes I just want the backtalk to end, the kitchen to stay clean, the kids to play nicely together. I’m so sick of cleaning up the same messes over and over again.

I know my story is no different than any other mother out there. But maybe if I voice my gripes and someone else can related and know they’re not alone, well then maybe I helped? I’m far from a perfect mother, and on days like today wonder if I’m even meant to be one. I keep reminding myself that there are other children waiting to come to our family and watching us now, and I don’t want them to be scared to join us! I want them to be so excited they can hardly stand it.

I really think I just need some sleep. Is that so much to ask???


Caitlin said...

Cranky mamas unite! I am SOOO not a morning person either! And, I too am suffering from a sleep deficit over here -- I wish I could blame it completely on DST, but really it's just that my baby girl is a terrorist that wakes me up at all hours of the night and pushes me to the very brink of my sanity. You're not alone!

Nikki said...

Can I just say...have you ever read my blog? This sounds just like it:)
I'm so glad you wrote this. I feel like this so much I could die. Literally, sometimes (most times) I feel like I'm not cut out for this gig. I hate that I yell so much I can't even count all the times. It's just hard hard hard...but good good good. Thanks for writing this. It's actually GOOD to know other people go through it too. I feel so alone!!!
Love you Karen!!
(stop beating me at games k?

The Laws said...

How is it that we can be so many miles apart and have had the same exact day today?! Seriously...two 3 year olds is harder than I thought it would be!

heidi678 said...

You're not alone. Most morning for seminary my sisters dragged me out of bed beating me with pillows and I am STILL not a morning person. Even before daylight savings time our son gets up somewhere between 4:30 and 6:00am everyday and will NOT go to bed again! Can make for a seriously cranky mom...some mornings I have resorted to tv shows just to catch an extra 20 minutes so I can function during the day...I honestly can say I am impressed you even tried play dough, I would have just tried to survive the A+ to you!

Ashley said...

Thank you for making me feel better about my day. See you helped someone today. Miss you!

Nicki said...

Jake came home and I had much the same rant yesterday. He blamed the weather. I thought it was nice of his to think of something other than me just being a total grump. Ugh. Thanks for being real Karen. We're all there with you!

Melissa said...

I am the queen at yelling and feeling like I'm going to rip someone's head off at any second. I am sorry you are feeling that way, too because it sucks to feel like that :( You are a great mom and are allowed to have these feelings.

Emmy said...

Before I was a mom never understood how someone could yell at their kids- heck I did really good with just one- but adding a second brought out a side in me I never thought was there.

Cynthia said...

I lost it yesterday when I kept finding poop pebbles all over my house from my soon to be six year old. So things like... "tired of cleaning up the same messes over and over again",(and might I add not getting the whole job done to be able to enjoy a clean house before I have to clean those messes up again), and wondering if I'm even meant to be a mom sound familiar right now.